In any subject, you always have feelings of self-doubt and often-times, you’re unable to consolidate feelings of giving up and dismiss them without any clear solution. Giving up is just not an option when you have come so far, and really that is reflected in the pain that is felt when one endures so much self-driven disrespect and harshness. It’s hard to come to terms with one’s own belief of excellence, and everyone suffers from this fact. This leads me to a point. I am not brilliant at mathematics. In a world of so many people, it is impossible for someone to not know more proofs than me, not be better at formulating ideas, not be better at writing formally, not solve problems more efficiently, and so on. The list is practically infinite.

I think that being aware of this fact is a good thing. Self-pity is often the downfall of many people, so I choose not to fall down that rabbit-hole. Maybe it doesn’t matter; maybe the point of doing mathematics is not to be the best, but to be the bravest: everyone is capable of being brave, right? Everyone is capable of being brave. Everyone, is capable of being brave. And even then, maybe it’s not about being the something-est in any realm? Maybe just go with the flow, as they say, or be human and take the praise and ridicule, then forget about it tomorrow. Maybe it’s just the small things. Look at the big picture, they say; but don’t go fighting windmills when the time isn’t right: that will just make you fight more windmills. The small things accumulate and then eventually you’ll be able to fight an army of windmills, just maybe they’re smaller. Maybe you could conquer France too (or offshore wind farms). The point is, maybe you just have to step back and think about everything for a moment. Do everything slowly, like a sloth. Eventually you will - I will - understand. It just takes some time. Sometimes that time is a lifetime, and we have to take solemn comfort in that. Imagine if you lived for eternity. Bleh.